we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
