I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
