I think I died a long time ago.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
try to milk me bitch
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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