the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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