when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
should my penis look like a turkey
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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