I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
