my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
