i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize