I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
