Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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