Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
