hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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