The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
