She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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