When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't deserve a penis
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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