"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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