Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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