Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
