Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
