i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
