You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
