Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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