Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
