Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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