4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
