my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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