he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
