hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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