I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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