I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
