This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
