he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
