And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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