Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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