I accidentally had phone sex last night
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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