I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
