if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
