At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
