I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
