I can text with my tongue
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
