I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
