You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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