The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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