We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
