Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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