It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
