I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
