Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
