why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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