Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
