The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
