Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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