Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
