Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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