if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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