We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
