Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
