Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
