I wish I could teleport
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
