You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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